I don't know where to start

I'm staring at a blank page and the words are not rolling off of my head like I would like. There is simply too much backstory to talk about so I will start with a letter that I wrote to my cuntbag husband and from there I'll progress onto other things. Questions, answers, whatever.

I guess I should say that for what ever reason I'm foolishly in love with this big fat balding asshole and I wish I could just blow him out of the water and proceed onto someone and something better. I'm stuck right now though. No car, no license. My surcharges are paid and now I have to work on the fines but I want to get a lawyer for that so that it can just be paid for and cleared up. Whatever it takes. Next is to save to get a car. I've forgotten how nice it is to just get in the car and go anywhere I want. Something I really have been wanting to do for a while. I just need to make sure everything is in order. I don't want nor need more tickets so I won't be fucking anything else up. The car will always be registered and insured even at the cost of going hungry for a week or more.

So here's the letter I sent to my asshole husband.

Yes, we had a polyamous relationship, but it was always centered on trust. You said you would never FALL IN LOVE or leave me for a partner yet you are doing just that. That is a betrayal and yet you don't see it as that, do you?  In my mind, it represents a major shift of your primary affections, your priorities, and your commitment to me. The basis of poly is that ALL members of the group are honest and on-board with all of the relationships right? And I was on board with it, sort of, at least in the beginning, up to Nina that is. You claim that I broke your trust by reading your emails, but you don't see that you both became secretive and exclusive. You NEVER said "I'm falling in love" or told me that you were, you never included me.   You broke my trust and that made me a desperate person by forcing me to find out what the fuck was going on. Your relationship became "exclusive" and did not include me in anything. You kept me shut out. To make matters worse, Nina did the same thing. You both professed your love to me but you just both just became reclusive. So say what you want, it was and is affair.  I intend on sending a copy of this email to everyone, family and friends, because they should all at least know my side of this as well.  Affair, it is the right word because an affair is a significant emotional or physical interaction that detracts from the committed relationship and causes that person in the committed relationship to conceal their actions. You concealed your actions with a series of text messages, an ongoing online relationship or an intensely physical relationship. All of this deeply wounded our relationship and compromised trust in our relationship.  Trust is the predicator of all long-term relationships whether it's friendship, family ties or love. A commitment is a promise to not betray the other person emotionally, mentally or physically.   I feel worthless, I'm depressed beyond all measure, I am suffering the worst anxiety I have ever experience and anger. Oh, so much anger. My lack of trust and my suspicions of your relationship with Nina LEAD to read those first emails and text and doubt everything you said. I forwarded the others w/o reading them because I was desperate.  The blow to my to self-esteem and self-confidence is devastating me.

Even though our poly / open marriage was mutually agreed upon in the beginning. There were rules that we agreed on and you fell flat in them time and time again. Constantly pushing the rules (i.e., no overnights etc.)  We agreed that we would communicate with one another regarding any partner. With regards to Nina, I knew you liked her, but now I think about all that I did, the shopping trips, her coming here and sleeping for days and days in MY bed. Yes, I offered to sleep on the sofa,  but YOU never took into consideration the pain physical and emotional toll your relationship was causing me. I all but shoved her into your arms. In March looking back on it when all that communication ceased by you and it ceased by Nina. You came up with lame excuses. She was tired of the drama, she was sick, and so on. We started therapy and we were MAKING progress. Honestly Todd, we went from arguing everyday to barely arguing at all, wewere making progress.   You said that things would take time to change, YOU SAID THAT.  YOU!  SEVEN WEEKS AGO.  You said she was sick, busy blah blah blah, but yet she had time again and again for you. Time for phone calls, emails, phone chats and text messages throughout the day, trip to NYC, and skyping.  You bet I became suspicious and more and more angry and jealous.  Again, what was I to think?  What was I to do? .  I'm not saying what I did was right, in the trust world yes, it was wrong to go through your email but I felt desperate and pushed into it and you need to take a look at WHY I felt that. You need to examine this and take a goddamned good long hard look at yourself too.  If our relationship had been better, stronger, less aggravating then maybe I wouldn't have had to do what I did.   

You stopped communicating with me

She stopped communicating with me

Your text messages, phone calls, emails ... all "private" and secret. You even said you felt like I was spying on you. Why? If you had nothing to hide then where is the problem?  

Never ONCE have I hidden any text message or email from you or anything, my computer is an open book as you obviously know, but suddenly your emails and texts and conversations are "private."  Really?  Why so? Why would you feel the need to be so secret and private?  Because you both were talking sex, talking about me, talking about how you love one another. Of course you wouldn't want me to see all that because again, our relationship was shit.

Of COURSE I didn't want to not be poly anymore. Can you even blame me for not wanting to ever have another open relationship? What the fuck was I getting out of it? ABSOLUTELY NOTHING.  You were not fucking me, you were not engaging with me and we were fighting all the time, not physical or emotional intimacy. We were like and still are like roommates. 

The hypocrisy of the whole things weighs heavily on me. I know I have done things to hurt you, but your pulling away, your lack of helping me to really understand didn't help. I just thought everything was OK.  I know you told me things, but I really didn't understand the depth of what was going on. Yes, I know I did things that pushed your buttons, but the lack of sex, the LACK of any intimacy at all, the withdrawal of you emotionally and you suddenly head over heels in love with Nina. And you have the unmitigated nerve to tell me that I broke your trust? What about the trust I had in you? 

 Where was your commitment and affection and priority for me? I damn sure didn't agree for a lifelong "other woman" in your heart. NEVER.

And further betrayal and hypocrisy, the betrayal that Nina will feel when you finally tell her that you have an STD.  Consider the fact that it was your legal duty to disclose to her in the beginning the STD. Using condoms may have shielded her from HSV2, but your not telling her month after month makes it deceitful. Where is the honesty and trust in that? If she ever sat on your penis and you didn't have a condom on you know that you could have still given her HSV2 if you had been shedding cells and you and I both know that you don't know when that is happening.  Cells can be located outside of the covered area.   Sure the Valtrex gives you some protection sans a condom, but it's not even close to 70%. What about if the condom had torn?  You were risking her safety the whole time.  What would have happened if it slipped off given the current ED issues or are those issues just with me now?  Really, I shouldn't care if you pass the virus off to her, but I do care about you and I may get angry, but I gave you three additional months to tell her when she inquired about getting rid of using condoms.  

Do you not see about betrayal and hypocrisy? Do you not see that we are both at fault here?

I know that there are things that I did that hurt you, but those are things that can be worked on if given the chance. And trust can be rebuilt. I know I need to get a job, finding myself, having fun, the communication tools we were using, the anger issues. They can all be worked on, but they won't work if you don't allow them and you continue to be checked out.

I really hope you think about this and not get angry by it. I really hope that maybe it will give you some insight. Mostly I just hope that we can heal and continue to be married and work on us and take time together. 

I WILL always love you. 

HE didn't tell the cuntwhorebag about the STD and for what it's worth I had a feeling she wouldn't drop him . My god her blog reads like a diatribe of oh woe is me. I'm so needy...blah blah blah. Need a read?  Here's that bitchs blog:  http://reconstruction2012.blogspot.com/

I could see if he left me because I was fat and or ugly but truthfully I'm neither. Her name is Nina (Lee) Stone and trust me, she's a neaderthal monster.  Wanna see what I mean?


So she is ruining a family, and so many .OTHER things, She's runined a marriage and it's getting ugly just like her. Here is a letter I sent to her told her to read it because she was at risk. Most women would dump an asshole who didn't tell them that they had an STD. Not this one. Probably because she so damned ugly. 

This letter I sent to my husband who in turn felt relief that I told her. What a fucking coward. That's all I can say about that.

I sent her the above letter too because my coward husband would not tell her nice huh?  So I followed it up with this letter because I'm a bitch with this letter to Nina Leoinia Stone who works at Gensco SUNY college because she a cuntbag. Say what you will I'm pissed.

So now you know and so does Todd. No doubt this act of telling you, if there was even the slightest chance of saving our marriage, will blow whatever chance I had of saving a marriage that really isn't worth saving. What will you do with the information you now possess Nina? What will you do with the lies and the betrayal I wonder? Leave Todd? Sure, I'd be happy, but you won't leave him will you?  Because you are just too needy to do that. You can't see your own self worth can you? No, because if you did you would have ended this affair long ago when you knew that you were falling in love and vice versa. You might start out not talking to him, but soon you will reach out to him and you will email and thus you will once again be where you never really needed nor should have been.  Todd will no doubt give you excuses why he didn't tell you. Trust me, I've lived with him long enough to know that there will be tears and begging. Hell, he begged me time and time again not to leave him and I didn't but the second you came into the picture, any begging I did was for naught. Nope..you're fired..you're the biggest loser, get off the island!  He'll tell you that he didn't know how to tell you, there was never the right time and more excuses. He will tell you he was going to tell you this weekend, next weekend, but Nina dear, he's had nearly 52 weeks to tell you and while I kept at times threatening to tell you or he tell you, he didn't.  And me, why didn't I tell you? Well, one, I wasn't fucking you so it wasn't my responsibility to tell you, though I have been beaten up and taken my share of shit for not telling you either. That and the fact that Todd did ask me not to tell you time and time again. When you asked not to use condoms, well, I didn't say no to protect you, because frankly I didn't and don't give a shit one way or the other about you, however, I did do it FOR Todd so that he could have a little more time to figure it out. How he was going to tell you.  Let's see, you met online in June, July?  Oh, I think telling you straight off was the honest thing to do, but no, he didn't tell you did he?  Then the progression. I don't need to lay it out, but in January or was it February when you asked about not using condoms and I said no, I told Todd that I save his ass and gave him more time and that he needed to tell you, but did he? Time and time again I told him he needed to tell you, but he never did. He was going to tell you, according to him, the first weekend in May, but nope. Didn't happen. Then he went to see you again on the 14th to tell you, but you poor thing, so much had gone wrong that he felt bad for you. Awww. How sweet. Then he said he was going to tell you in June, but you saw fit to ask him to take a vacation day, never considering that he has a wife and a kid and MAYBE WE needed him to SAVE his vacation days for other events, but that never crawled into your self absorbed mind did it NINA?  No, of course not. Then he said oh, he couldn't tell you on the 1st weekend in June because you had something special planned (how sweet). Did he tell you that I had tickets for him and me to go see The Whiskey Hickson Boys Band on June 7? No of course he didn't. That's OK, I have money to throw away because you of course come first.  Then he was going to go see you on Father's day weekend. Again, blowing off his family of any possibility of them doing anything for him no matter how angry they are at him and because of you.  You're just making friends everywhere aren't you?  Well, I guess you should not feel bad about him not telling you. He's never told any of his other partners either. Nope, not a one. How's that work for you?  

Truthfully, I hope you dump him like a hot coal, but I know you're so needy that you won't. Oh, you will sit by and cry and get mad (welcome to my world) and you will you make excuses for him and eventually you'll even say "it's ok for us to use condoms forever." Or you might just take a chance and go without a condom, after all, you will make excuses.  Oh, and if you are smart you really should get tested for HSV2 antibodies now though, because you could be infected and not know. Did you ever ask yourself how is it that  I knew so much about genital herpes when your sister said she tested positive? Hmmmm?

While I would enjoy a reply from you, I know you won't send one, but that's ok. Your work is fully complete now. You've ruined a marriage with your lies, deceit and secrecy; you've ruined a family. Amazing that knowing all this that you are still willing to consider being the other woman because you get along so well and you love him more every time you see him.  Consider that you're just doing to yourself the same thing that you did with 2nd husband. You needed a project and well, look how that turned out. Like the glass you blow, it broke and didn't stand the test of time. Oh, and if you are wondering why I told you now? Well, Todd took his wedding ring off you see. I'm sure that made you feel really good knowing you were just one step closer to having him all to yourself. I have nothing to lose since I lost it all when you came into the scene. 

Yes, you will have to endure another visit from him because he has to return your saw, and whatever else, and he has to do your lawn, you know, things he doesn't do here at all. I'm sure you'll find a way to forgive him for not telling you about the STD.

More later....